How to Overcome Imposter Syndrome: The Lie You Tell Your Fear

Around 75% of adults feel like a fraud. 1

In fact, the more ambitious you are, the more likely you are to struggle with Imposter Syndrome. 2

Albert Einstein himself, the father of modern physics, felt like an imposter. He said, “The exaggerated esteem in which my lifework is held makes me very ill at ease. I feel compelled to think of myself as an involuntary swindler.”

Think of all the adults you know. About three out of every four of them feel like they are in over their heads. They believe that if anyone discovered their true incompetence, they would be exposed as the frauds they feel like, and it would all be over.

And if you're reading this, odds are you are one of those 75%.

If this is you, you're in good company. Maya Angelou, Tom Hanks, Lady Gaga, Seth Godin and Michelle Obama have all expressed their own struggles with feeling like a fraud.
Many major contributors to our culture have felt like charlatans.

Check out this confession:

“I have written 11 books, but each time I think, ‘uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.'” - Maya Angelou

And guess what? At this moment, as I'm writing this, I'm wondering, "Who do I think I am to teach people how to overcome imposter syndrome? What do I know?"

Ironic, no?

When I look up the common solutions, there are a few great ideas, particularly from Harvard Business Review and the American Psychological Association. But most of the advice has some serious flaws.

In particular, the advice to 'keep track of your successes to remind yourself of your competence' doesn't work, and your nervous system knows it. You solved those problems, but you haven't solved these ones. If your success had really prepared you, you wouldn't feel like an imposter.

Also, your subconscious is actually using that list of past successes as the culprit who got you into the mess you're in. Those successes got you in over your head.

Or you could follow the popular advice to "fake it till you make it." This gives you time to build the competence. I get it. I've tried.

But this advice undermines you. Every time you tell yourself to fake it, you're reinforcing the idea that you're a fake. If you're faking it, you truly are an imposter. It's not a syndrome, it's just a fact.

Instead, you could try positive affirmations. You tell yourself descriptions of your aspiring self, hoping to calm down your nervous system enough so you can move past the fear.

Affirmations might soothe you for the moment, but they don't solve your problem. Why? Because the source of the syndrome persists, even when you've calmed yourself down.

Tracking success doesn't solve your insecurity.
Faking it only reinforces the fraud.
Calming yourself ignores the core problem.

So what’s the real problem?

The reason most of the advice doesn't work is this: It’s all an attempt to silence your fear.

And your fear is correct. You are in actual danger.

You might screw up and get fired. Your colleagues might find out you're not as good as you present yourself and shun you.

You truly could get rejected. It's a real risk.

And your fear will keep warning you as long as you are in danger. Your fear is desperately trying to keep you safe, and you are surrounded by legitimate danger.

As long as the danger persists, you won't get rid of it. It's time to stop trying.

Here's another hard truth.

Almost everyone is an imposter. Nobody doing important work knows what they're doing. We are all making it up as we go. If we knew what we were doing, there wouldn't be any problems that needed solving.

You're no different than anyone else.

75% of us are afraid. For good reason.

But here's the lie you tell your fear: "You shouldn't be here if I belong."

Or, in the words of the quickdraw cowboy squaring up for a shootout, "This town ain't big enough for the both of us."

It's a lie. The town is plenty big. You just don't want to live with fear because it makes you uncomfortable. You're fighting because you choose to fight.

External Recognition vs. Internal Validation

The lie you tell your fear is, "If I truly belonged here, you wouldn't be here."

Put another way, "Both of us can't belong at the same time."

You already belong. Whoever promoted you to your position recognized you were qualified for it. Your spouse recognized they wanted to marry you. Your customers recognized you could solve their problems. The doctor sent you home with your baby.

You're here because they all decided you belong.

You already have recognition from external sources.

But you don't want recognition. You want validation. You want someone to reassure you that you belong here so the fear will go away.

But your heart will never accept external validation that doesn't agree with your level of internal validation.

No amount of compliments and reassurance from your coworkers, spouse, friends, or dog can break your imposter syndrome as long as you feel like a fraud. True validation comes from within.

As long as you reject fear, you will reject validation.

I'm not telling you to "Do it scared."

That advice is a great starting point, but it still holds a rejection of fear. The true meaning is "Do it despite being scared." Fear is still a villain.

"I'll put up with you," is not the same as, "You belong here too."

As long as you reject your fear, you will always feel flawed for feeling afraid. When you feel flawed as a person, of course you feel like an imposter.

Let's start solving the underlying issues.

Four Practices to Overcome Imposter Syndrome

1. Feel your fear.

Identify all the dangers. What are the actual risks?

Allow your fear to work in your body, warning you of those potential disasters. Imagine them happening to you. Locate the fear in your body and pay attention to it without trying to fix it.

Thank your fear for caring about you so much that it's trying to save you from those horrible outcomes.

Welcome your fear onto your team. Open your heart to your fear like you would to a friend.

Because your fear is your friend. It's been watching out for your safety from the moment you were born. It only has your best interest at heart. It doesn't always know best, but it has always been one of your closest friends.

This town is big enough for both you and your fear. You both belong.

Emotions are energizing. They put you in motion. They get confused when you don't let them move.

Your fear is trying to energize you.

Here's how to transmute your fear into an energy-giving ally: Open your heart to it. Find joy in partnering with your fear. Get excited when your friend fear joins you in your work.

You chose this work, so remember why you're here. Bring along some enjoyment and enthusiasm, and introduce them to your fear. With your team assembled, get to work.

Then, use the extra energy to learn what you need, grow where you need, and do a great job.

2. Do your best work and stop faking it.

You're not faking it till you make it. That would mean you're a fake. Every decision to "Fake it till you make it" reinforces your belief that you are a fake, an imposter.

If you are faking it, you truly are an imposter. So you have to keep hiding. You can't ask for help, you can't admit mistakes, and you certainly can't let anyone really know you. The more you hide, the more phony you will seem to the people around you.

You can only worry about what will happen if they discover the real you when they don't already know the real you.

It's time to bring your true self forward.

Stop faking it. Start collaborating. Start growing visibly. Say what's true.

Stop pretending to be an expert and start the long process of becoming that expert.

People will always have more patience and forgiveness for someone who is flawed and growing than someone who pretends they have everything figured out.

You and I don't know what "they" are thinking and saying about you, but I guarantee "they" would rather deal with you as you are than any fake version of you, no matter how perfect that version looks.

Stop hiding your true self.

Instead, do your best work as you expand your competence in the domain you have chosen.

3. Validate yourself.

Look deeply at yourself. Don't change anything, just see everything. Then, give yourself the love and validation you would give a friend in your situation. Give yourself the validation you were hoping to get from other people.

Some people might think you're a fraud. Let them.
Some people might gossip about you. Let them.
Some people might hate you. Let them.

Their anxiety is not your emergency.

You don't have the energy to police their thoughts. You have more important work to do.

Some advice tells you to get reassurance or feedback from other people. But when people validate you, you don't believe them. If you did, the syndrome would evaporate.

But it doesn't. Because validation only works if it matches your internal beliefs.

Change your internal beliefs.

You have already dropped the lie you tell your fear, and invited it as an energizing partner. You have already stopped hiding your true self, and embraced the journey of growth. Now, let yourself feel your belonging.

You are one of countless people who are imperfect and growing. You see you, and you belong. Despite their compliments, despite their criticism, you belong. You know you are doing your best, getting help, improving through practice, and being authentic.

Validate yourself, just as you are, with all your imperfections.

4. Banish perfection.

You would not expect perfection from anyone else. You are a rational, realistic, compassionate person. Of course you would not hold fallible humans you care about to impossible standards.

Stop treating yourself so poorly.

Also, you see how perfectionism in others complicates their lives, isolates them, makes them insecure, and degrades their work.

Perfectionism is poison to perfection. Don't accept that poison in yourself.

Accept your flaws and imperfections. What are you afraid of?

Feel the fear. See? The fear didn't destroy you. Your fear is actually safe.

The consequences of perfectionism are not safe.

If you were perfect, you would not have any need to learn or grow or ask for help.

You would be perfect. Complete. Fixed. Done.

I don't think you want to be done. You have a lot more you want to experience. You want to be curious and learn and grow and change.

You don't want to be complete. You want to be alive.

Embrace your wonderful, flawed, living self.

The End of Imposter Syndrome

Bridgewater Associates is one of the top performing hedge funds in history. Its founder, Ray Dalio, created a work structure designed to drag every team member into growth. Bridgewater doesn't put anyone in roles they are ready for.

Dalio says, “Every job should be like a towrope, so that as you grab hold of the job, the very process of doing the work pulls you up the mountain.”

Think of that. The most profitable hedge fund in the world makes everyone imposters intentionally, because it makes them more money. Except nobody there is allowed to hide their imperfections. They grow and ask for help and offer help to others.

They make mistakes and admit them.

The only difference between a Bridgewater associate and you is they stopped hiding and got in over their heads on purpose.

It makes them better. And makes their organization better.

When you give up your own imposter syndrome, you'll not only gain the energy your fear offers, you will also stop wasting so much energy hiding and worrying. Imagine what you could do with the extra energy!

You can settle into the joy of creativity and freedom of a growth mindset, instead of being stuck in a fixed perfectionist mindset.

And you'll be free to build closer, more cooperative relationships with people around you, whether at work, at home, or anywhere else your authentic self decides to show up with all your wonderful complexity.

If you found this essay helpful, I would appreciate it if you would share it with someone you think might benefit.

What’s next? Click here to go deep on How to Handle Stress: The Self-Care Fallacy.

1 https://impostorsyndrome.com/
2 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/imposter-syndrome
3 https://6-30partners.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/Making-Business-Personal-Bog-Kegan.pdf