How to Handle Stress: The Self-Care Fallacy

We have never had more knowledge for handling stress, and we are stressed anyway.

We all know how to calm down our nervous systems with deep breathing, visualization, and meditations. We know we should sleep more, eat healthy, and exercise. We also know that a certain level of stress is good for us, and if we reframe our thinking, we can use the pressure to make us more resilient.

Yet here we are. Still stressed. Still looking for relief.

You're here because you found all those answers, and they either didn't work or were unrealistic for your situation.

The glaring problem with the common stress relief advice is this:

It makes you good at surviving your unhealthy situations and blinds you to your own agency to change them.

I only learned the missing pieces after recovering from years of burnout, and I want to share them with you before you have to go through the long journey of healing a fried nervous system.

Why the Common Answers Fail

The Practicality Failure

The Advice: Sleep better.

How can you sleep more when the pressure you face keeps you awake through the night? I have operated on four hours of sleep for months because my mind wouldn't shut off. You know how that feels.

The Advice: Set stronger boundaries.

How can you set stronger boundaries when you are financially stuck in a toxic or abusive situation? I once explained to my board how operating three different major programs was unsustainable for me and asked to hand one off to someone else, and they told me, essentially, "No."

The Advice: Meditate more.

When your day begins with kids at four in the morning, rushes you into a double shift, and ends with night class homework at midnight, are you supposed to sleep or meditate? What do you drop to fit in mindfulness?

We need stress relief that can realistically fit into our days.

The Self-Care Fallacy

The first advice we usually hear is a set of instructions to calm down and rest. If you tense and release your muscles in the right order, if you breathe for the right amount of time, if you ground your body to the earth, the negative feelings will dissipate.

Calm down your nervous system. Take a bath. Take a vacation. Take a break from the pressure.

This is great advice to soothe a body that is stuck in a chronic fight-or-flight storm.

But it fails because it sends you back into the same situation that your nervous system experiences as threatening. Self-care rarely helps you in the moment.

It's hard to take a bath when your boss adds another deadline and your coworker is still passive-aggressive.

While self-care teaches you how to soothe your body's damaged systems, it does nothing to protect them from future harm.

Self-care is wonderful as a set of tools for nurturing your nervous system. It is terrible as a solution for your chronic stress.

The Resilience Trap

Next, we are told that stress is good for us. The pressure makes us evolve into stronger versions of ourselves who are able to handle the pressures we face.

We are given the classic Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) advice to notice what we are feeling, reframe it into a helpful narrative, and live out of that new story. This makes us more resilient. We can now spring back to our feet ever more quickly when we are knocked down.

We welcome the stress because it makes us stronger.

My board panicked at me again. Good.
My boss criticized me again. Good.
My spouse lied again. Good.
My kid got arrested again. Good.
My bills are late again. Good.

It makes me stronger.

No, it doesn't.

It makes you appreciate environments that are actively hostile to your wellbeing.

There is a difference between embracing a challenge that grows you and falling in love with your attacker. We want to actually become stronger, not succumb to Stockholm Syndrome.

In one form of victimhood, I blame everyone and everything else for my troubles. In another, I become resigned to survive whatever indecencies my environment thrusts upon me. Either way, I give up my own agency.

The traditional advice to grow resilient is an invitation to become a really strong victim.

The Deeper Problems

These solutions are great for what they are. But they ignore the underlying systemic causes of our stressors and keep us blind to our own agency.

The normal prescriptions focus on the problem and ignore the vision.

There is an old saying in management theory that goes, "What gets measured gets managed."

When you spend your time focusing on your problems, you naturally spend your time managing those problems.

Here's what I mean. When you focus on a problem, it fills your attention, and all you can see is that problem. You can't see anything else.

My problem is stress, and my solution is this set of techniques.
My problem is finances, and my solution is to work more.

What you focus on becomes central to your life.

The problem-focused approach is good at finding ways to handle problems, but it doesn't make them go away. Even the solution has the problem embedded within it.

And this is the true solution: Shift your focus away from your problems and onto your vision for a future you actually want to live in.

If you want to see your kid misbehave, focus on their bad behavior. If you want to see them do well, focus on what they do well. Create a vision of them as the person who does well, not as someone who causes trouble.

Through most of my life, I've had a problem with exercise. We all know we should exercise, and I focused on finding a solution. I tried running. I tried bodybuilding. I tried mountaineering. Powerlifting. Nothing stuck. I would find a solution, it worked for a while, and then the problem came back.

Then, I found jiu jitsu. It didn't feel like exercise. It was a skill, a hobby, and a social outlet. For me, it checks all the motivational boxes. Mastery, challenge, and meaning. I have this vision of someday earning a black belt. I go to the gym because one day, I will be a jiu jitsu black belt and share this martial art with other people.

Exercise is no longer a problem.

Grappling is the most intense workout I have ever experienced, but I don't go to exercise. I go because I have a vision of who I want to become.

We remain stressed because we do not have a vision that draws us into a better future where the problem of stress has become irrelevant.

Overemphasis on the self robs us of the energizing power of care.

Think back to when you have felt the most unstoppable energy.

If I were to take a guess, it would be the times you were engaged in something you deeply cared about. You were creating something. Working through a challenge that felt like solving a puzzle. Doing something meaningful for someone you cared about.

I would bet almost anything you weren't resting at the time.

Rest cannot energize. It can only restore.
Energy comes from care.

Rest comes from a necessary focus on the self.
Energy comes from taking care of meaningful people and projects.

You cannot rest and recuperate yourself out of stress. You lighten the pressure by generating more energy.

You have tasks that must be done whether you care about them or not. But that is where we usually focus: How do we get the tasks done without being overwhelmed? That's not energizing.

Energy comes from a focus on who you care about, and how you take care of them.

I hate doing the dishes. But I love my wife. So doing the dishes becomes an act of care for her, and it gives me energy, and the dishes no longer drain me.

These two deeper problems start to hint at the deeper solution.

Vision and care.

What future am I creating, and who and what do I care about?

People trapped in stress don't ask those questions. Those are questions of leadership.

How to Actually Handle Stress

Instead of learning to live within stressful environments, we are going to begin actively designing our environments and shaping them into the form we desire.

It starts first with Reflection, and then moves to Action.

Emotional Reflection

Where the standard advice tells you to suppress your negative feelings, we are going to do the opposite. We are going to summon the courage to befriend them.

Emotions are gifts. Even the unpleasant ones.

They are signals and energy our body sends to help us survive and thrive in complex environments.

Each emotion has a purpose, and our first step is to listen to the messages our emotions send to help us understand what is actually going on around us.

We are often told in one way or another that our emotions need to be "fixed." We need to process them by either suppressing them or expressing them. Either option sends their energy out sideways instead of harnessing that energy for forward motion.

We are never told to befriend and listen to them.

The common advice is to calm down your emotions. Shut them up.

But how can we develop emotional intelligence if we never face our emotions?

You don't need to solve your emotions. You need to live them. To hang out with them. Have a chat. See what they want to accomplish on your behalf.

Before you regulate away your unpleasant emotions, listen to their wisdom. Here is a brief introduction to a few of your emotion friends who have a bad reputation:

Fear - Message: You are not safe. You are in danger.
Question: What are the true dangers? What must I do right now to stay safe?

Anxiety - Message: Something in the future is going to harm you.
Question: Is the threat real or imagined? Can I do anything about it today?

Righteous Anger - Message: A terrible injustice is being committed.
Question: What can I do to make it right without causing more injustice?

Selfish Anger - Message: I am losing control.
Question: What power do I feel like I'm losing? Do I need that power to take care of others, or does it only offend my ego?

Sadness - Message: You are losing something valuable to you.
Question: What am I losing? How can I grieve appropriately? How does life move forward after that loss?

As you have internal conversations with these emotions, they will become some of your greatest allies. They will warn you in the moment of danger, call your attention to injustice, caution you against an overreaching ego. They will energize you to live your highest self.

Then, you can decide in what way they are right, and what mature response is helpful to move your environment toward your vision of the future.

The true secret here is that emotions never demand to be expressed, as long as they are heard and lived.

When you name them, listen to them, and sometimes reassure them (I see what you're pointing out, but we really are safe, I promise), they calm down on their own.

And when they are right, they give you the internal energy you need to deal with the danger, mourn the loss, or confront the injustice.

This is more deeply regulating than a bubble bath ever could be. And your emotions will let you sleep because they know you heard their warnings.

Designed Action

The traditional stress management advice is correct when it tells you that some stress is good for you. It keeps you sharp. It inspires you to rise to the challenge.

Too much stress will crush you, too little will make you bored and incompetent.

The advice usually stops with the vague instruction to keep the right amount of stress in your life. Make sure you're being challenged, set up boundaries to protect your capacity, and get social support where you're over-pressed.

But we humans over here need a bit more guidance than that.

We need to not only design the right amount of stress, we need to design the right content of stress.

Here's how:

1. Identify your Cohort of Care.
   Who are the people you are taking care of? This is for your entire life, not just at work. For me, my cohort of care starts with my wife and kids and family, but includes my friends, martial arts gym members, my employees, and customers. But it also extends into my past. I am serving the legacy of a select few of my ancestors. And I am working for the good of my grandchildren's grandchildren, even though they only exist as an idea. I recently added my future self to that list of people I care about. The only rule here is that you have to truly care for these people. Don't add your coworkers to your list if you don't truly care for them.

   Since care is our source of energy, the vitalizing force in our lives, we need to identify who we are taking care of.

   The first question is: Who is your cohort of care?

   The second question is: How do you personally go about taking care of them? You might share part of your answer with others (I earn money to feed and clothe them) and it might be entirely unique to you (I unlock their greatness for the world).

   The final question is: Who do you need to become to take care of them more fully?

2. Design your Zone of Proximal Development.
   The psychologist Lev Vygotsky noticed that people learn most quickly when they perform tasks that are too complex to do without help, but not so complex they are impossible. That is where we grow most quickly.

   But we don't just want to find the right level of complexity. We want to design our zone to help us become more able to serve our cohort of care.

   Who do you want to become? What projects will demand you to grow in that area? Who can you find to help you in that project?

   You are not just becoming more resilient, you are increasing your skills and way of being in the direction you choose. Not to endure your environment, but to transcend it.

3. Design and Communicate Expectations
   Boundaries are excellent when designed well. They are the fences, the walls that shut you off from some areas and keep you in other areas. Some have windows, some have doors. But they are the line between "I will not do this, and I will always do that. I will tolerate this, and I will not tolerate that."

   Expectations can be a more useful tool in the moment. They are equally protective, but often more flexible.

   When your boss gives you a new project that conflicts with what you're already working on, instead of just accepting it and drowning, you could clarify expectations. "I'm already working on the Westbrook project. I won't be able to finish this new project and Westbrook by their deadlines. What would you like me to prioritize?"

   You have communicated your limitations, your capacity, and your desire for refined expectations, all without panicking. Your friend Anxiety may have piped up, but you were able to let her know you're making sure your future will be safe.

   You're the adult here. You're taking care of things.

   Or maybe you wanted to invite some friends over for dinner on Friday, but your spouse feels overwhelmed this week. You can discuss what you each need and hope to experience, and clarify expectations. "Would you be up for company if I prepared everything and didn't expect anything from you? Or can we plan to make this dinner happen next week?"

   When Sadness shows up as disappointment, and Anger points out you're losing control of your weekend, acknowledge and thank them, and let them know you're taking care of your needs and your relationships at the same time.

And what happens when someone has an emotional reaction to your expectations?

Let them. Their emotional expressions are not your problem to solve.

Their emotions are theirs, your emotions are yours.

While they are emoting, have a chat with your own Emotion Friends, and then reiterate your expectations.

You don't have to appease. You don't have to be nice. You just have to be a mature adult, centered in your vision of the future, too busy taking care of your people to be swept up in this person's tantrum.

What does this look like in practice?

Your sister just dropped off your nephew for the day. You like him, but you've never taken care of a toddler before.

Things are going well, but you're busy. You still have to manage your usual chores. Make dinner, keep the house reasonably clean, do the laundry. All while managing this brand-new, overwhelming responsibility.

Then he finds out you're making chicken and noodles for dinner. He doesn't want chicken. He wants pizza bites.

So he throws a fit. He's screaming. He's laying on the floor. Red face. Tears. Kicking.

He wants pizza bites.

You've had a long day. You're busy. You're in over your head. What do you do?

The typical advice would have you calm down everyone's emotions. You would feel better if he stopped his tantrum, so you rush over to soothe him, reassure him, and maybe change your dinner plans to find something he likes. Now you have added his emotional reactions and short-sighted demands, as well as the work of making a second meal plan to your work-load.

Or, you can tell him you see he is upset, but you already have a plan for dinner. And then try to redirect him toward other activities.

In one version, you let immaturity dictate your life. In the other, you are the adult, shaping the environment for the good of everyone.

In the workplace, this could look like telling a coworker or boss that you can't pick up their assignment, even though they are stressed about it, because you are taking care of your important projects. If they throw their own grown up version of a tantrum, you can have an internal conversation with your emotion friends, and then reiterate what exactly they can expect from you. You can be the adult in the room. Not shirking responsibility, not taking on their anxiety.

Sometimes, when someone is throwing a tantrum, simply asking, "Are you okay?" positions you as the non-reactive caring adult, and starts to get to the heart of what is really behind the outburst.

That's what it can look like to become the architect of your environment. Not becoming better at handling the pressures of an unlivable situation, but becoming the mature leader, designing a better future for everyone involved.

People always follow leaders who are stronger than themselves.

Nobody wants to be stressed. Nobody wants to spend their days in an emotionally reactive atmosphere.

When you become the adult with a vision, a caring center, and emotions that serve as comrades rather than captors, people will react against you at first. But, as you provide a mature presence, their nervous systems will calm down, and the environment will change.

Your number of tasks may stay the same, but you will no longer be carrying the additional weight of your own unsorted emotions and the emotional reactivity of the people around you.

You will be energized by the future you have designed.

The pressure may still be there, but it won't be the crushing stress you've had to live with.

How then do we handle stress?
We transform beyond it as a mature, visionary leader.